the condom got lost in my hair
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Your cock deserves a montage
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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