it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
