Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Someone came in the potted fern
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
