Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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