I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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