I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize