Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
