He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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