I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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