If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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