if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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