God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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