last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
