Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
