Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
and you fell through a lawn chair
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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