If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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