You're my little dorito
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
