last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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