She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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