just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
