I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
