Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
