I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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