i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I have feelings that need drinking.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
