All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
