I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
