Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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