how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize