If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
