I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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