but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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