You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
