I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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