For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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