Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
