she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
