Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
