i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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