I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
