I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
