you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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