i was born a porn star she said
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
