I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
