The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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