I wish I could teleport
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
