Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
