When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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