I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
