guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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