she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
