im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
