Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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