well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
