i will never coherently bang her
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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