# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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