My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
