I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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