so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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