My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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