When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
