whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
