I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
