he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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