I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
