i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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