he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
