My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
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